He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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