Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
