I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
worst night to have a conscience
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
