your parents love me but you hate me
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
