We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
