Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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