don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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