I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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