I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
