I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
