Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
