I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
