did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
