Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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