I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
