11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
