John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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