Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
