the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
