take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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