Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
