i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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