I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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