i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
