i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
