Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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