My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
