Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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