ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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