Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
