ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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