i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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