i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
