goodnight i made you a song goodbye
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
