I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
