I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
