We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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