Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
