Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
