I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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