well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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