woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It's just like the Real World with babies
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
