So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
