Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
