he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
