I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
