If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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