This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
