i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
