A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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